There is nothing that makes me feel both relieved and guilty all at the same time more than one of my mother's sermons. Luckily, I only visit her church a few times a year. :) Today she spoke about what it means to be present in mind, body, spirit. She started out admitting that she did not always pay full attention to her children. I guess when we were really young we would pull her face towards us with both hands and states "Mom listen to me." As we got older we just stopped talking when we felt we we're being heard. Here is where I felt relieved. Relieved that my own mother, who I admire so much, did the exact same thing I catch myself doing to my son.
And here is where I felt guilty. Guilty that I often do not give my children the attention they deserve. Of late being fully present in Ian's live has become more difficult. Like most two year olds, Ian is full of energy and life. He is constantly moving from one activity to the next, only still when he is sleeping (although that could be argued). And he want me to be apart of every exciting, new activity. The problem lies in that my attention is pulling in many directions. Cai needs so much of my time and energy. And I find myself wanting to be fully present in caring for Cai the way I was with Ian. I remember feeling that the most relaxing thing in those early months of Ian's life was sitting down in the rocker and nursing him. I was able to be fully present in that moment. Enjoying the smell, touch and sounds of this little miricle in my arms. In my desire to enjoy these precious moments with one child, I feel I'm losing precious moments with the other. How do I find a balance? How do I ensure that each child feels fullying cared for and loved? I guess I just keep working at it. For now I guess I just have to consider myself lucky that Ian is pantient enough to share my attention, while being demanding enough to bring it back to him. :)