So today was one of those bad days. The kind of day where I truly wanted to throw something out my window or smash something to bits. Where every time I thought I could take a break, one or both children demanded my attention. It's days like this that I wonder how on earth did the human race last this long? The very fact our parents didn't destroy us and themselves is a miracle.
Here is my real pet peeve though. People asking if Cai is a "good" baby. Well he is not a bad baby. But he is not an easy baby either, especially of late. For the past two weeks fussy time as expanded from evenings to all day. Morning, noon and night it feels like is potential for Cai to have a screaming fit. Part of the problem is he doesn't burp easily. So he gets gas in his tummy and it hurts, thus causing the crying. But sometimes I get him to burp and he still cries. The constant crying won't be so bad if I only had him to take care of. But Ian needs my attendtion too. It's hardest when I'm alone. I feel like I just can't let Cai cry. I want to hold him, so at least if I can't console him, I can assure him I'm there. This posses the biggest problem at nap time. Ian wants to nurse at nap time. So today I nursed Cai, burped him and when I thought he was calm laid him down in bed while Ian and I laid on Ian's mattress. Of course not 30 secs later Cai is crying. So I begin my count to ten signally to Ian our nursing is coming to an end for now. He gets frustrated that I'm counting because he is not done. So then I had both screaming at me. I not comfortable nursing them together. And I'm not ready to wean Ian completely. But my "mother bear" instict is to take care of Cai first. I mean Ian can eat apples and other foods. He understand that when I say I'll be back or there in a moment that I will be. He understands (for the most part) that I will take care of him. Cai is still so depedent on me. I just feel torn.
Luckly for me today was also my La Leche League meeting. That group of women has come to be a wondeful assest and support group. Just walking into the room made me feel calmer. It is so reassuring to know that other moms have gone through similiar situations and surrvived and that other moms are currently going through similiar situations. It's also nice to be reminded of why I continue to breastfeed. And that I have not only support in doing so but encouragement to nurse as long as the relationship feels needed. In a society that thinks I'm crazy for tandem nursing, it's nice to have this nonjudgemental support and encouragement.
Well this rant has made me feel better. I'm off to bed. It is way too late.