Monday, September 22, 2008

He smiled!!!

That's right. Tonight Cai smiled at me. I mean really smiled at ME!! The I'm awake and happy to see you smile. The first deliberate smile is so amazing. Cai is so beautiful when he smiles. Plus it makes his non- smiling face look somehow more pleasant. Not that he wasn't a beautiful baby before. But somehow now that he has smiled his face just seems different. I don't know that I can explain it accurately. It's doesn't matter what the difference is really. The main joy is that it made the whole day and last week seem ok. Trying to calm all his crying and fussing is worth it to see that smile.

I came to the conclusion today that Cai is just a higher need baby than Ian was. And when I look at it though calm eyes, I see that this is actually an advantage. Ian got all my attention as an infant because he was my first priority. He was the only one. Cai doesn't get all my attention because I have to juggle meeting his needs with meeting Ian's needs. Cai's persistence to be held, rocked, and nursed means he gets my attention in as close to full form as I can give. His instances to not be left alone for long periods of time in a bouncer, swing or crib means he gets carried in a sling or held in my arms most of the day. Sometimes this makes me feel guilty that I'm not paying fuller attention to Ian. I'm still figuring out how to hold Cai and play with Ian simultaneously. But I'm getting better. My sling has become my greatest tool. Cai gets to be close to mama and I have two hands to play or read a book. So while the fussiness has not really decreased and there are moments when my only thoughts are making though the next min, hour and or day, we are surviving this trying time, learning to enjoy the present while looking forward for what lies ahead. In truth, Cai's persistence on getting his need/wants met is not necessarily a bad trait to have later in life.


kate said...

Hooray for the first smile! It could not have come at a better time. Sorry about the frustrating adjustments you´ve had to make lately, balancing between the two boys. I wish there was a magic solution, but it sounds like you are being very realistic about everything, and letting yourself analyze,learn, and continue to grow in your understanding of each child, his needs, and your own needs in a very healthy manner. Again, you gain my admiration! Love you tons.

Jessu said...

Kawaii yo! Whenever I read your blog, I like to imagine Ian scurrying around your house, with Cai loafing nearby. I'm a little sad I can't be around for all the excitement, and maybe even befriend Ian (although I'd probably have to lose the ponytail for that, huh?).